guy from my catholic highschool sends a message.  he's in town for the bar exam, and i think he's trying to ask me out.

CM: hi! How are you? Whats keeping you busy? Are you going home for our reunion?

Me: im fine. A bit busy this week.  How are the exams so far?

CM: Difficult but still holding up.  btw, would you mind sending me your mms now? 

Me: Whats with that?  I need to send a picture?  like i have an exam?

CM: just wanna see how u look now if you don’t mind

Me: But I do mind

Eeeewww.  Im not going out with you ever

Sitting there and feeling lonely
Had my blue eyes for you only
Suddenly you turned around and smiled at me
It wasn't my imagination
Had no doubts no hesitation
When it comes to love I know where I wanna be
Is it real am I dreaming
I've been waiting light years for someone like you
Can't believe you are here with me
I've got you and I can't hide it anymore
I want the world to know that
Baby you're mine
You are blowing my mind
We are two of a kind
Baby you're really mine
Now I see what I've been missing
It's the happiest girl you're kissing
Baby only you can make me feel like this

i guess it's really true what they say

poor sense of hearing is a sign of being under _ _ _ -ed 

Are you just a habit
Or some kind of addiction
Can’t seem to get you out of my system
What good have you done to me
Feels so stuck like glue
Turn the pages in my head, its only you

I don’t care I would do anything to be near you
I would go anywhere to be near you

(by Viktoria)

It's Friday again.

Time to take out the trash.  Both kinds -- recyclable and otherwise.  Tuesdays-- recyclables only.  I should know.  I've been taking out the trash SOLELY for almost two months now, twice a week.  My housemate surfs all night and sleeps all day , that's why.  Sigh.  He's a friend, and we usually have a blast, mocking tv shows almost every night, insulting people, cursing each other.  But aaarrrggghhh, i wish he'd make an effort.  Please wake up before the truck comes by at 11?  Or at least tie up the garbage bags the night before?  Especially if 90% of the trash belongs to you? 

It's not that I hate doing it.  (Oh who am i kidding, i do!).  I just think, before I moved in with him late last year, I never, not once, took out the trash in my boardinghouse/apartment since i came to manila in 1995.  I've been blessed with a sister, and landladies who enjoy taking the trash out themselves.  In college, i always managed to switch chores with roommates or housemates.  I do the dishes, you take out the trash.  Or, you borrow my lipstick, you take out the trash.  And the like. 

But last year, I did some mindsetting.  I really did.  To take out the garbage once a week, alternating with him.  And now im doing my share and more.    I tried ignoring the piles for a week but nothing happened.  And i don't want to live with garbage indefinitely until he finally takes the hint.  Grrr grrr grrr. I could write a note, or post a list of To Do's, i guess but that would be insulting.  It's too unfriendly.  We're friends, not strangers who happen to live together.  Maybe i could just raise the subject one night when we're already having so much fun, there's just no way to feel bad.  yeah, i can do that. hmmm. hmmm.  sabihin ko, hoy bakla ang cute cute ng garbage guy, you might want to check him out tomorrow.  

so. there we were.  my 2 co-worker friends and my boss and her US-based family. 

Boss: Ma, do you remember (insert my name here)? 

Ma: Of course I do. 

Me: Yes, we've met and talked many times before. 

Boss: DD always gets mistaken to be my daughter.  Kainis.

Husband of Ma: Well, that's a compliment.  She looks young. 

Boss: But not young enough to be my daughter.  I didn't have a child when i was 18.   But well yes, maybe it's because she looks young for a 26-year old. 

Everybody stares.  Tries to double check i guess.  (Stop everybody.  I'm melting.  I should walk out or fall asleep right here right now.)

Then this woman comes over, an old friend of the boss.  She saves my life.  She should serve one million times more interesting a topic than my youthful good looks    She's a music director.  Or something.  And then she mentions she's a grandmother now.  To her young son's baby.  Her son is who?!?  L?!?  Does he have a band?  Really?  He's my crush.  I whisper to my boss, and on reflex (of course), she blabs it to her.  Aargghh.  I never learn.  Even when she's told the world all about those pertinent (read: extremely controversial) things about me.  So the woman looks at me again.  Gaad.  I try to cover my face. Im so uncool!  (does she think im too ugly for her son???  Will she like me???)  Later, she moves to the seat next to me. We talk about my work.  I mean, our work according to me, hehe.  We talk and talk, getting more casual as the minutes go by.  She's very nice.  She even gave her email address (uh, because i asked her to attend our forum).  She tells me about her son's gigs.  I tell her where I met her son.  More talks led to the very significant insight that we may have been talking about 2 different guys!  Her son and my musician crush may very well be 2 separate entities.  And not even twins.  Not brothers.  Could be strangers to each other.  Oh. Should i be glad?  But she's very nice!  And i'd want her to be the mother of the guy im crushing on! 

Anyway, she's also the mother of this promising girl-musician.  Maybe I should go for a girl.  No?  hmmm. hmmm. 

Forget that boy DD, you are properly nourished tonight. crispy pata, kilawing tanigue, vegetables, mango shake, mango crepes, vanilla ice cream and strong brew.  Life is delicious

If, I expected love, when first we kissed, blame it on my youth
If only just for you, I did exist, blame it on my youth
I believed in everything
Like a child of three
You meant more than anything
You meant all the world to me

If, you were on my mind, all night and day, blame it on my youth
If, I forgot to eat, and sleep and pray, blame it on my youth
If I cried a little bit, when first I learned the truth
Don't blame it on my heart, blame it on my youth

not the Blame it on my youth poem by rod mcewan that i was looking for but this singer jamie cullum is so cool!  his voice oozes with rich and lazy sensuality.  listening to the rest of his twentysomething album i get more and more seduced. mmmm....like he's just woken up, humming naked in bed.  makes me want to jump in. gaad.  this one week's worth of horniness is much too long.  universe, have mercy.   my "lower energies" are raging mad. 

hehehe.

etong si Universe, ang galing galing.  marunong.  tsk tsk.

dahil nagiging control freak ako sa tuwing nag e emote sakin ang beloved pamangkin tungkol sa kanyang jowa

dahil gustong gusto ko na umuwi sa bacolod upang makausap ng harap harapan ang pamankin (i need to give advice to her in person so she wont misunderstand me; i need to be there to guide her...)

dahil gustong gusto kong awayin ang kanyang jowa sa tuwing tini-take for granted sha (you have no right to treat my niece that way!  who do u think you are!!!  she deserves somebody better than you!)  

etong si Universe, ibinalik sa surface ng earth ang isa sa aking mga ex-jowa.  "Ayan sha, tingnan mo. Ano pakiramdam mo?  Ano gagawin mo ngayon? okay ka lang?"  

okay na kami ng isang ex.  eto namang isa ngayon.  hindi ko maipagkakaila na affected ako. mashadong vague ang affected kasi d ko alam kung paano i-describe.  Basta nanghina talaga ako nung masilayan ko sha kanina. (i get so weak in the knees, i can hardly speak, i lose all control and something takes over me....ay lecheng SWV)matagal ko na shang d nakita.  last year pa.  Super conscious ako, lalo na at nasa likod ko sha, alam nya lahat ng moves ko, sha d ko makita.  Tago ako ng tago, pero mahirap pag sa ganoong venue. ang dami lang anggulo.  kuha naman ng kuha ng picture nya ang kaibigan ko.  "Sabihin mo nga sa ex-jowa mo, mag pa rebond sha."  Hihihi.  Kakatawa din yung reaction ng isang kaibigan.  "nakakatakot pala itsura nya...hindi mukhang ultrasensitive and idealistic."  Yung isa mas polite "I cant imagine you two together, mashado shang astig, ikaw naman, sweet."  Hehehe.  Basta affected ako.  Na-miss ko yung mga masasayang araw.  At nasiyahan nung nangumusta sha.  How are you?  Galit ka ba sa akin?  Sabi ko I don't know.

Kung kaya't ako ngayo'y mejo nag aalala para sa aking sarili.  Kahit na china-charm nya ako ngayon, wag sana akong makalimot sa mga bagay na ayaw ko sa kanya, sa mga bagay na ayaw ko sa amin. (kung si janet jackson pa, And I never want to return, never fall again...) Sabi ng isang gf, mashado daw akong "maganda" para sa kanya.  Naman!  Hehehe. Take a deep breath, don't panic, meditate, reflect, review, re-examine.  I can do this.  Yes. Yun lang.  Kaya ko 'to. 

Heaven knows
I'm head over heels and it shows
I've played every field I suppose
But there's something about you
When you're around
Baby I have found
I get lost in you
What is this feeling
I've never known before
That I should touch you
Swearing to surrender ever more
That's what I came here for
Heaven knows
I'm head over heels and it shows
I've played every field I suppose
But there's something about you
When you're around
Baby I have found
I get lost in a wonderful daze
Lost in your wonderful ways
Heaven knows
When you're around
Baby I have found
I get lost

chris gaines' lost in you

 what have i done???

my haircut screams IMPRACTICAL!!!  it needs at least 30 minutes of mousse, blowdry and or curling iron everyday.  30 minutes that i can't afford when im usually half an hour late for work already.  yikes.  and i don't even have those stuff yet!  Have to buy tomorrow. 

And what about when i start to go swimming this summer???  ill look like a "basang  sisiw" each time i get out of the water.  Ngeee..... 

Oh but im so happy happy happy!!!  nothing can take this silly, delighted grin off my face. 

im getting a haircut tonight!  the most radical ever.  have just printed two of halle berry's pics--short, wispy hair...hmmm, i can't wait.  im asking co-workers to start cutting my hair now.  hihihi.

today's a good day.  im slowly hovering back to earth, once again getting in touch with people i haven't emailed for so long.

cloud9 will always be there, a promise of a wonderful time in dreamland whenever i want it.

temporary madness fills your heart
cupid's arrow cuts right through you ..
sentimental fool that's who you are ...
your fallin in love.

suddenly your stumbling in the dark
think you know your way but do you?
drivin with no brakes 
you've gone too far..

its like youre in my DNA
like it was always gonna feel this way.
and i know that I’ve been here before
like stepping blindly into space
another time, another place
that so familiar .
Its unbelievable.

jodie brooke wilson

Whoa.  what's going on in the universe?  i seem to be gathering apologies from out-of-the-blue lately.  1 from an ex-lover.  Another from an on-off friend.  Both are crabs.  Interesting.

naluluyag ako sa boses ng assisstant travel agent namin. hihihi. since last week, halos araw araw tumatawag ako sa office nila, o di kaya sila ang tumatawag sa akin.  Gustong-gusto ko pag sha ang kausap ko.  Sobrang swabe ang boses nya.  Ang lamig.  Cool.  Malumanay.  Reassuring.  Basta.  ang sarap pakinggan. Kanina tumawag na naman sha, sabi ng co-worker ko, phone! boyfriend mo!  Sabi ko, si Sam?  Hihihi.  slightly kinikilig.  gusto ko jowa ko ang boses nya.  boses nya lang.  kasi actually hindi ko sha type.  d naman sha pangit.  okay lang.  basta d ko lang sha type.  kaya nung pumunta sha kahapon para mag deliver ng tickets, d naman ako tarantitas.  Sana tawagan nya ko araw-araw.  Wala lang.  Para happy.

Mamaya, pupunta kami yata ng bistro.  Para mapakinggan at makapiling ang isa pang may ultra-cool voice.  tagal ko na shang d napakinggan.  nakapanghihina ang kanyang boses.  haay.  naku full moon in pisces, baka maluyag na naman ako sa kanya.  hehehe.  

i am humbled by my co-worker friend's apology.  i don't know if i could do the same if i were in her shoes.  She's sensitive, apologetic, sweet and knows how to woo. 

i got insulted by her tactless work-related statement yesterday, especially since i always thought i am somehow careful because  i detest office politics.  anyway, so i snapped and turned cold.  for the rest of the day.  i guess i was hurt both because i felt i was 'innocent' and also because we are friends.

then around 930pm while rushing to catch the lfs of the phantom (again), i receive a message from her, im sorry, i didnt mean it. take care.  so i melted.  i said, it's okay, nabigla lang ako. wala na yun bukas.   actually, even without the apology, i knew the rift wouldn't last.  because i could never stay mad for too long.  yesterday, being a little more stressed than usual, i allowed myself to give in and temporarily wallow in hurt and anger.  hehe. 

this morning, i get a message.  My co-worker friend will take care of lunch.  hihihi.  happy.    I came to the office, late but beaming (it's a beautiful day! and we're going rappeling tonight!).  Enjoyed my free lunch, and the boisterous camaraderie that saves us  from the fires of workplace hell. hehe.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

my boss is driving me a little crazy.  she's in an all-time best mood.  she left for europe last night, today she texts me, you sent the wrong thing, my dear.  i need this but you sent that.  my fault too, i should have prepared.  what is going on? why is she taking half the blame even before i could apologize? and then in the afternoon i sent a message, anticipating a reprimand, hi, i was unable to do this-and-that for thursday's trip, will do it now, ok?  she said, okay! i forgot also. please make necessary arrangements.  thanks. whoa.  wow.  there is a goddess.

hehehe.  i just want to say i am overly moved by the phantom of the opera movie (dec 2004 veersion) since i watched it yesterday.  i only slept for 2-3 hours last night, working overtime here at the office.  and surfing on the movie and trying to download the soundtrack.  i also spent many hours reading message boards and resisting  the urge to comment. 

though i am familiar with the story and the music since many years ago, i don't really consider myself a fan (some people watched it 9 times!) and All I Ask of You is a beautiful song that just doesn't hold any personal meaning for me.  But I do have some very particular topics of obsession.  Mainly about the character Raoul and one particular scene up the roof.  Which I don't have time to discuss now.  Im going home and taking a nap and freshening up and going back all in one hour.

p.s. there are millions of phantom (as in Gerald Butler/Erik) fans everywhere online, there's really no point arguing how self-absorbed the phantom was because fans are usually (irrationaly) loyal -- i should know.  i also wonder if i've really "changed," because i think my "old" self would choose the wicked charm of the phantom anyday over raoul's utter devotion and chivalry.  i disliked them both at the start, but as one message board user said, "raoul tugged at my heartstrings. sigh."

i was doing laundry yesterday and when i looked at my tops of different colors, i remember what he said one night.  He said I look good in black.  and white too.  I said I rather like loud colors.  Yes I do.  Yes I am. 

I am the girl with a sweet face and a bad  temper.

I am the girl with a cute smile and those naughty thoughts.

I am the girl with the childlike voice, with the sing-song tone, who says "f*ck you!"

I am the girl with the soft hands who makes the dirty finger sign.

I am the girl you find sexy but can out-walk you any time.

I am the girl, the young girl with the old soul.

naku ha, may balak pa yatang i-hire ng boss ko ang ex ko.  tinanong ba naman ako kung ano'ng tingin ko.  Masama ba akong tao dahil sinabi kong wag na?  Ayaw ko yatang makita sha araw-araw no.  kahit d ako bitter.  hehe. Baka naman nag-fi-fish lang ang boss ko kung "kami pa."  Siguro nga ganun.  Haay.

I want to watch America in concert (Feb 12-14)!

I like most of their songs but i'd really really love to see them sing Daisy Jane and All My Life.

im sad  

today i was just bored.  and kind of busy.  but tonight im sad.  even with my hot pink strappy sandals from brazil.  sad to be bored.  i feel nothing but intolerable calmness.  (unbearable lightness?)  i miss some people. friends and family.   especially family members.  i was browsing My Pictures and i looked at my newest niece born in UK.  my brother says the baptism is this end of the month.  and he didnt invite me as ninang.  hmp.  i miss all my sisters.  i haven't heard from any of them today. 

anyway, my boss is back after 18 days.  i am once again inspired to work "properly."  Hehehe.

oh my poor mother

my mom got swindled yesterday, while she was at the mall alone.  she was hypnotized.  apparently this modus operandi has reached my hometown. i wonder how they do it.  Do they cast a spell at the first word they utter when they talk to you? somehow they also managed to bring her to a pizza place.  they must have put something in her drink.   they already took her atm (and pin number and my mom's family background i suppose) but i can't believe they'd have the guts to go home with my mom.  one of them, the female one, went inside with my mom in her bedroom.  they took all her jewelry. 

i hate them.  i hate them so much. never mind the cash and jewelry, i hate them for crushing my mom's spirits.  she thinks she'd been stupid (dont think that, you never stood a chance!).  she can't believe it could happen to her.  i hate them for the tension she's feeling now, for raising her blood pressure level, for the burden. 

telling some co-workers today, i realize it's really happening everywhere and to anyone. I am so angry.  i can only be grateful they didnt harm her physically.  !@#$@#$%#@%

DD, pwede ka ba sa Friday?  Mag ho-host ng meeting si ___ and he wants us to sing.  Mag all-black na lang tayo.

Hmmm, Im not sure yet, kung magaling na ko, sige.

Hahahahaha!!!  O di ba, feeling professional ang girl!  As if super singer talaga.  May pa im-not-sure pa na drama.  Hihihihi.  Oo na, kakanta ako.  Take my picture

Eh pano naman no, ayaw ng phone!  Hmp! 

There, I've once again called up my favorite phonepal.  Smart Customer Care.  Hehehe.  I talk to them quite regularly for the following reasons:  to update my account and reconnect my line, to ask when are they cutting me off, to ask if they can give me until next week to pay w/o disconnecting, to ask not to disconnect me just yet just because I dont have time to go to the bank and pay.  Hehehe. It's been more than 2 years since I first subscribed and Im still good friends with them.  

Since last week, i called them 4 times.  Complaining about my MMS problem.  You see, i've sent about 20 SMS thru email (to upload to flickr and phlog) but nothing has been delivered.  Grrr.  And yesterday, LYH sent me a video of Nemo and I didnt get it.  huhuhuhu.  What's the point of having a fantastic phone then???  And fab shots!  Hehehe.  Buti na lang pumapayag ang officemate ko na i-bluetooth ko ang pics sa pda nya.  kaya lang sabi nya puro naman ako ang laman ng photos.  Eh cute ako these days, what's a girl to do?  Hehehe.  

I didn't think he'd reply.  He must have deleted my number after I ignored some of his SMS last December.  Na delete ko na rin kasi ang number nya eh.  Yun nga lang, i have extraordinary gift/curse of remembering numbers.  walking directory ako nung high school.  So i sent him a message Saturday night.  I teased him, quoting the caption under his friendster photo with a girl.  I was in a teasing mood, having  drunk various bottles of wine, and when the wine run out, we poured extra joss into our beer.  masarap!  parang d na beer.  Tasted like mule.  Anyway, this morning, I got a message fom him.  "Ah... yeah."

Hihihi.  Sila na nga yata.  So how did I feel?  I beamed.  Stupid grin.  like this --> I was amused.  I was okay.  I wasn't happy.  OA na yun.  Do I have to comment?  Do I have to say something nice?  Maybe not.  But I want to say something.  For the happy times.  For the romance.  For the soulful lovemaking.  I want to wish him well.  Kasi hindi ako bitter.  Mahirap maging bitter kapag masaya.  At nakapag-extra joss   Siguro naman affected ako.  Syemps, minahal ko yun sa abot ng aking makakaya.  I want to wish him well kasi mabuti naman shang tao.  Matalino.  Passionate.  Mabait.  Emotionally stupid nga lang.  Hehehe.  Bata pa kasi eh.  Kahit magka-age naman kami.  I wish his new gf will stay with him long enough to see him "thru the rain." 

And when you've grown up, come back to me.  Pag hindi ka na galit sa mundo.  Pag d na pa-victim ang drama mo sa buhay, balikan mo 'ko.  Hahaha.  Hinde noh!  Wag na.  Ayoko na.

Naku what if makasalubong ko silang 2 magkasama?  O makasama ko siya ulit sa meeting tapos dumating ang jowa nya.  Sana naman wag muna habang d pa ko pumapayat muli.  Pero sige lang, cute naman ako.  cute and cuddly.

Tinanong ako ni Pansy kamakailan lang kung iniisip ko pa sha.  I said sometimes i think of him only because I do not think about him anymore.  There really doesn't seem to be any room for him in my thoughts in the current exciting life that I lead.  Siguro dahil I like thinking happy thoughts and hindi sha nakakatuwang isipin.  Mashadong negative.  Unless isipin ko yung mga unang buwan ng aming pag-iibigan.  Naks!

Kahit nga nung nagpa ayos ako ng pc and nawala yung excel file ko ng 99% of his text messages (1200++), hindi ako na-shatter.  Nag back up naman ako ng files pero that particular folder with the excel file plus word documents of thoughts and feelings too raw to be posted on blog for all the world to see, that folder didn't copy.  The universe wouldn't allow it.  Tsk tsk.  Let go na daw kasi.

Mahal ko pa ba sha?  Hindi kasi ako naniniwalang nawawala ang pagmamahal.  Nagbabago.  Like wala na akong pakialam sa pang-araw-araw nya na disposition.  I dont care for his everyday emotes.  But I'd be worried if he met an accident, or if he got a serious illness.  ganun.  ganun lang. Sa tingin ko, mahal ko pa rin naman sha.  Kaya lang, pagka kapal-kapal na siguro ng pader na nagbabalot sa aking puso para di na nya masaktan.  Ay, pa-victim ako!  hehehe.  D naman sha masamang tao.  Nakakapagod lang mahalin.  It's like riding a roller coaster minus the excitement, the thrill. 

Sige lang, marami naman akong natutunan at nadaanan.  Like the opportunity to really care.   To learn patience.  To tolerate.  To understand and understand still.  To feel.  To need and be needed.  To be sweet at kung ano-ano pang ka-kornihan.  To realize that sometimes, it's really not me--its just him.  And finally, to let go.

I loved him a lot but it was love too enmeshed with pity.  Now I want to love simply for the fun of it.

Haay nakakatamad magpanggap!  Nag mindset na ako pagkagising ko ngayong araw na hindi mag log on sa YM upang matapos ko na ang sinusulat ko dahil kinukulit na ako ng ka upisina ko na magsubmit.  kasi nung monday pa dapat itrix. 

pagdating ko ng opis, d muna ako nag log in.  check lang ng mail sabay bukas ng Word.  after one hour nag log in na rin ako. pero invisible.  more check pa rin ng email.  nakakatuwa kasi email ng sister ko.  blog na rin ng konti.  tapos, lunch na.  sandali lang naman.  bilis kong kinain ang kare-kare.  pag balik sa desk, pinakita naman ng officemate/choir directress  yung bagong piyesa nya sa voice class.  With You from the musical Pippin.  ang ganda.  Kinanta namin with matching piano accompaniment via tape recorder.  na-touch akik.  tapos naalala ko yung isang kanta ni barbra streisand.  google time para makita ang lyrics.  hanggang sa kinanta ko na yung mga 5 pang kanta. 

ang dami dami nang nag la log on sa ym!  nag change status ako.  "invisible to everyone" kuno at chinek ko pa ang busy na box.  meaning, nandito ako, abala pero tingnan natin, baka mag chat rin ng kaunti agad namang nag message itong guy from college, thank you daw sa pag add ko sa kanya sa ym list.  ok.  kaso gusto pa nyang mag chat. ngee. d ba nya nakikita yung status ko?  so deadma ko lang.  later sabi nya, busy ka ba?  baka naaabala kasi kita.  ngee.  i said, yup im quite busy, ergo, my status.  buti naman na-gets na nya.  chat na lang daw later.  haay.

ngayon, 3 lang kami dito sa aming tower.  sa aming "department."  katatapos ko lang mag timpla ng oatmeal (konti lang), naglatag naman ng mattress ang isang officemate at nagbabasa ng libro ko tungkol kay josephine bonaparte.  ang choir directress ay patuloy na umuungol, hehe, trying to reach the notes sa kanyang lesson.  kumakain ako ng oatmeal, nag te text, nag ba blog, chat ng konti, at nag ta type pa rin sa Word.  Haay.  Sana matapos ko na tong bwisit na "paper" so i can get on with my life.